End of summer, beginning of school. End of some relationships, beginning of others.
Midnight on a Sunday, about a month into the school year. It was time to get around to this blog anyway, it just so happens to be a convenient thing to do right now when I can't sleep and don't feel particularly social. I often wonder why I even write in a blog, why I write my personal thoughts down for others to see...and I think that it's easier to write in this blog than it is to write in a journal because, when others see this, it validates it somehow. It gives my writing purpose. So although I still keep about 5 journals at one time, this blog feels more real, more useful.
But all of that is not the point. The point is, I have begun settling in to life back here at college again, yet this time with another set of completely new people. 100 new first years. Of course, my co-years are all back, but even the dynamic in my year has changed, in some ways for the better, in some ways for the worse. It took an entire year to figure out who was worth my time here, who was interesting and intelligent and honest. But that year was so worth it if that's what it took to find all the people that I have now. I appreciate many of the people in my year much more now.
The first years are interesting. It's strange to look at them, they seem so young and green and vernal (hey, remember that word, Dad?). I keep wondering if I was ever like they are now, and I know that the answer is of course I was like that, but it just seems unfathomable. I'm not exactly sure how my second years put up with us so much when we were new. Some of the first years are extremely nice additions to this campus and I adore some of them already. They have a lot of growing up to do, but it's so nice to see that people have such potential. Others are difficult, and if I let that get to me, it would ruin this campus for me. Unfortunately, some of it has been getting to me and I've been spending a lot of time being angry and frustrated, and that hasn't been so nice. I want that to change.
It's hard to realize, still, that I had to say goodbye to 100 people in order to get these 100 new people. It's both wonderful and terrible at the same time. I miss them. I miss last year. I miss a lot of things. And all the nostalgia is doing nothing for my happiness in the present. It's all a bit frustrating. But at the same time, if I hadn't given up some people, I would have never gained some. Like my new roommates...Maria (Israel) and Kathrine (Ecuador) are absolutely everything I could have asked for. And by some stroke of amazing luck, Raine and I are in the same room and we're so close by now it's almost scary. And then to have those new two walk in the door...I swear it felt like we were all sisters from the first day that we met. It's so lovely to know that the people that matter the most here are never too far away.
So now it all seems to be about work. Working on meeting people, working on friendships, working on schoolwork, working on patience, working on understanding, working on universities, working on balance. Working on everything. I just hope that it's all worth it.
I just hope that the beginnings I am experiencing now fill up enough space in my heart to compensate for the endings I have endured.
